Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (PlayStation 3: September, 2008) Listen to this post

I got excited when The Donut Boys handed me a copy of Force Unleashed. "Finally!" I thought, "They're giving me a real video game! Something I can give a good solid review on, so that I can establish my career as a journalist and leave this God forsaken hell hole they claim is 'radio stardom.'" Of course, that would imply that someone actually reads this blog, and considering how talented The Donut Boys are with marketing and promotions, I probably shouldn't hold my breath. I'd end up turning blue, and it's really not a good color on me. I'll leave that to the trolls.

Let me just get this out in the open right off the bat: I am a huge Star Wars geek. Like, seriously, I go to all the conventions in a Vader costume and everything. People say I'm too short for Vader, but seriously, no one remembers the 3-foot-tall Ewok. Everyone remembers the 3-foot-tall Vader. Anyway, as far as Star Wars fandom goes, this game knocks it out of the park.

As far as video games go, however, this game could've handled about three months of hard work. Honest to Force, this short little 8 hour game is so buggy, I don't know how it managed to hit the shelves when it did. There are some serious problems in this thing. I killed a boss and waited for like 5 minutes for something to happen before I realized I needed to go back to the last save point and kill her again to get the cinematic. How does a game with these kinds of problems get released?

And that's not the worst of it. The difficulty in this game at some points is comparable to attempting to break through a brick wall using just your forehead. Wham! "Ow. That hurt. Did it do anything? Nope, let's try again." And I'm playing on Sith Warrior, the "Normal" level of difficulty. I can't imagine what this would be like on Sith Lord. It's not a difficulty setting in this game, it's an impossible-ness setting.

Because of the mechanics of the game, you've got to have a "kick 'em while they're down" sort of mentality. And, let's be honest, who doesn't enjoy kicking people when they're down? That part's lots of fun. But getting kicked while your down sucks. There are several ways to get knocked to the ground or frozen in place in this game, and any time one of those things happens, you're stuck, completely vulnerable, for a good 2 or 3 seconds. If you're facing a relentless baddy or you're in a room full of little guys, you're basically screwed as soon as you hit the floor, because they'll keep hitting you to make sure you stay down. Even on easy mode, this thing's a pain in my tiny ass.

Playing with force powers is fun (though they could've done with adding a little more fire), and the graphics are shiny and pretty, but the overall gameplay in this guy is sadly lacking. For such a short game, you'd think they would've unleashed something a little more forceful. The only thing that's holding this game together is the story.

I won't give away any details, but this game's story adds a lot of great stuff to the Star Wars saga. You find out how the Rebel Alliance was created, and you get a lot more insight on the character of Vader. And I'm talking real Vader, not pre-Vader Vader. The lead character is wildly interesting, though it kind of sucks that he doesn't have a name. Especially since they're now treating this as canon to the Star Wars universe, the events of this game actually happened in the realm of the story being told in the movies. The choose-your-own ending is a little weird, too, considering that one ending is what actually happened in Star Wars history, and the other one is a huge "what if."

Long story short, if you like Star Wars, or just good stories in general (and let's face it, if you listen to Chalice, you've got some taste), rent this game. Don't buy it, because it would be a total waste of money, especially considering the fact that it's only got about 12 hours worth of content even if you go for 100% completion. But rent it.

I'm eagerly awaiting the sequel, now, because it can only go up from here.

Overall score: 6 out of 10, for a truly brilliant story and the joy of spinning Stormtroopers around in circles as they dangle helplessly by your Force Grip.

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So, the news blurb from the realm of video games today comes from a company that has no business talking about games whatsoever: Apple. Today... well, yesterday at this point... they released their new iPod Touch 2.0, aka, iPhone without the phone part. Apple CEO Steve Jobs was quoted as saying, "It's the best portable device for playing games."

Aside from the fact that Apple is an evil, greedy, over-pricing, egotistical corporation... Skipping the part where I tell you that handheld gaming is completely irrelevant in the eyes of any god worth paying any attention to... I'll just get right to the point: Apple makes hardware that, first of all, costs way more than it's worth, and second, excels at doing things like audio editing and video editing. Aside from that, their hardware can do the same things anyone else's hardware can do about half as easily. Unless you're a total moron, in which case, the secrets of Apple hardware somehow manage to reveal themselves to you. That part still confuses me. These "anything you can do, Apple can do... kind of" activities include word processing, browsing the internet, and, in the case of the iPod, listening to music on the go. That's basically it.

Nowhere in the history of Apple computers has there ever been an even remotely successful attempt at breaking into the gaming industry. Video games have been dominated by companies like Atari, Nintendo, Sega, Sony, and Microsoft since the beginning of time. "Time" in this case refers to the day the first video game was invented, which, as far as I'm concerned, happened with "Computer Space" in 1971 (one year prior to "Pong"). Never has Apple truly tried to break into gaming. Never has anyone with any form of technological knowledge ever given Apple credit for an ability to create games- either hardware or software.

Now, all of a sudden, Steve Jobs has the audacity-- err, sorry, idiocy-- to go and claim that something his company's made is the "best portable device for playing games?" What the hell did he pull out of his ass that happens to be better than anything Nintendo or Sony's got on the market right now? Granted, the stuff that comes out of anyone's ass is probably pretty close to the same value as any handheld gaming device, but as far as handheld gaming devices go, you can't turn an MP3 player into a gaming platform! And you damn sure can't turn it into a gaming platform that's better than something a veteran like Nintendo or Sony can make.

Take my advice, Apple: stick to what you're good at, and quit trying to hone in on everyone else's turf. Better yet, just get out of our hair alltogether by spending all of your money on useless crap, declaring bankruptcy, and giving back the small percentage of the market share your stealing from the reigning king of computers- PC.